Without Faith

I had a sudden epiphany today, as I was driving through traffic,
trying to get home: I have no faith. Now, of course I've kind of
known this for a long time, but the thought has kind of fallen to
the wayside over the years, as I've searched for something--anything--
with enough substance for me to hold on to, to believe in. There
must be a shining core of beliefs in me, somewhere, that keeps me
looking for faith of some kind. Today, though, it finally got through,
the one real and true thing in my life is this: I have no faith. I don't
just mean religious faith, I mean faith at all, in anything.
There's a line from a Ben Harper song (cover?) that says "The drugs
don't work, they just make you worse..." That's been my motto as far
as drugs go, especially in light of the OCD & depression I have. Drugs
never work for me, physically or mentally. I have no faith in them,
never have. Drugs mess with my body, I have horrid reactions to
them. My mind is just as bad: I fight against them with all my might.
Our culture has become a drug culture, dependant on drugs and
that with each little ill or pain, we run to the drugstore to find the
quickest cure, the easiest fix, the path of least resistance. Our
society is dependant on the idea of the quick fix.
This applies to religion too, though, doesn't it? Don't we reach for the
quickest way to fix all of our problems, to cure all of our ills? No
matter how far fetched those beliefs are? Religion, for all its mass
appeal &quick & easy fixes for life, its supposed warm & welcoming
haven, it doesn't work for me either. Religion simply does not make
sense to me,it's illogical. Perhaps I think about it too much; perhaps,
I spend too much time ruminating and not enough time just accepting.
I'm done accepting things without investigating them first. So this
weekend (probably well beyond the weekend), I will be looking into
the dark crevices of my heart and soul, try and clear out some of
the cobwebs and find out why it is that I have lost my faith.