uh, yeah

so I'm driving over the James Robertson Pkwy
bridge today, and look over to my right: I
see the stadium, the game is going on, and
there is a man standing on the bridge,
watching the game. well he can't actually
see the field, but from that spot,you can see
the giant video screen on the far side of the
stadium. I burst into tears when I saw this.

Why, you ask?
Because here was this man, taking the
opportunity to enjoy the game, even though
he has no ticket,no seat, just a bridge.
I knew that this man was happy.
I am a little jealous because I am not
happy,and feel guilty about it.

The tears came because I knew that if I
were standing on that bridge, instead of
driving over it, that, instead of watching
the game, I'd be plunging headfirst into
the water.

Change, Part II

Here is what is really bothering me,
aside from my seeming inability to be hired,
and the stress of having no financial stability:
For the past several months, I have the same
exact feeling I had during 1997-98, the time
when my OCD was at its worst. I felt then, as I
do now, that nothing would ever change,
that I was stuck in the exact place I was in,
that I would never get out of that place.
That is the feeling I have now: I can't seem
to find/see the light at the tunnel, and, whats
worse, I have ceased believing that there even
is a light at the end. To me, it's just all
blackness.